The Funeral
by BlackRob88
Summary: In an attempt to gain appreciaton, Horo plans a mock funeral. I still suck at summaries
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Shaman King bitch

It was a nice, peaceful day at the Funbari Onsen. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and it was so quiet, at least until two shaman started shouting at each other.

"You dumbass Ainu, you destroyed my new plasma TV" yelled Ren, pointing to the mess that once a big screen TV.

"My bad Ren, but the TV was in the way of my bed. I told you, if you wont move it, I will" shouted back Horo, who was standing on his bed. "And besides it couldn't get AET anyways."

"What the hell is AET, a STD?" said Ren.

"It's Ainu Entertainment Television." Answered Horo

"I've heard of BET, but I've never heard AET." said Chocolove, as he walked in the room. He turned around, saw the TV was destroyed, and asked "What happened to the TV."

"I told you baka Ainu, there is no AET." blurted Ren even more pissed off.

"Well if they have Black Entertainment Television, why wouldn't they have one for Ainu people."

"What happened to the TV?"

"The dumbass Ainu knocked it over trying to move it."

"I am sick of people calling me a dumb Ainu. Everyday, Anna tells me to do a million exercises, Pilika wants to do her stupid training, Ren and me argue everyday, and I have to put up with Chocolove's stupid jokes."

"Hey!" exclaimed Chocolove, after hearing Horo's remark about his jokes.

"No one here appreciates me, but I have an idea for you guys to show your appreciation for me."

"You want a what?" asked Pilika, after hearing Horo's idea for his appreciation.

"I want a funeral."

"NO! Don't do this to yourself Horo. I love you. Please don't do this."

begged Tamao, who suspected Horo was going to kill himself.

"Tamao, I'm not going nowhere, it's a fake funeral. The idea is to get a casket, have you guys dress up like a real funeral, and say eulogies, your best memories of me and stuff like that. I got the idea from a TV show."

"Oh!" said Tamao, feeling stupid about everything she had just said. "Uhhh… forget everything I just said.

"That is about the dumbest idea I've ever heard." remarked Anna, staring at Horo with her infamous glare.

"Well I think its pure genius. I already have my suit and casket ready, so we're having it tomorrow."

"Whatever" said Anna

"Where did you get a casket from?" asked Pilika

"Who are you, the FBI?" joked Horo, who started laughing. But the joke didn't amuse Pilika.

"For that so called joke, do a thousand laps."

"Yes, Pilika." moaned Horo.

The next day arrived, and surprisingly the gang came to his funeral, or either was forced to.

"Why do I have to go to the jackass Ainu's fake funeral, he's not even dead even though sometimes I wish he was." snarled Ren who was being dragged to the funeral by Jun.

Everyone was at the mock funeral even the ghosts. The shaman were all in black, the boys wearing black suits, the girls wearing black dresses. Even Horo was in funeral attire, as he laid there playing dead, while Tamao powdered his face white to seem even more dead. Before the funeral started Horo turned over and told the gang:

"Make this seem like a real funeral, people. I want crying, sharing good memories, and talking about how good a person I was. Okay?

"Okay" said the gang before this remark by Ren:

"Guess this is going to be a short funeral huh?

"Shut up and get this funeral started. First up Chocolove."

So Chocolove stepped to the podium ready for his speech.

"Horo was a good guy, so I'm starting off with a joke."

"This should be good." said Ren

"Wait a minute, what are you doing?" asked Horo.

"I'm starting off with a joke."

"Who the hell tells jokes at a funeral? Go sit down." snarled Horo.

"Okay. But before I do can I say something?"

"What?"

"That you can go to hell and burn in a million degrees."

"Sit down!" screamed Horo. "Next up, Jun"

So Jun walks up with her speech ready. But before she gets to say anything, Horo interrupts her.

"Don't you wear that everyday?" Horo, referring to her black and green Chinese dress.

"Yes" answers Jun. "But I think this is proper for a funeral."

"I don't think it's proper to wear a dress that makes young boys horny. Go sit down. Next."

As Jun stormed off angrily, Faust and Eliza walked up. But no sooner had they walked up, they gazed into each other's eyes and started kissing each other. Horo looking embarrassed quickly told them to "Sit down."

Immediately, they turned and walked away, still kissing. Horo was getting pissed off.

"C'mon people, this is funeral start acting like it. Next."

So Ryu walked to the podium.

"Horo was a good and intelligent person."

"There we go." remarked Horo, pleased with what he was hearing.

Then, Ryu started chuckling, and said, "Almost couldn't say that with a straight face."

"NEXT!"

Coming to the podium was a man with blue hair, squinty eyes, blue suit with a long jacket, and black boots. He had his speech in his hand saying:

"Maes Hughes was a good man, and a loving father—"

"Who the hell is Maes Hughes, and who the hell are you?" Horo leaped up and asked the man. The man was so startled by Horo, he fell on his ass. The man got up, turned around and looked at the casket.

"Who are you?" asked Yoh, puzzled by the appearance of this man. The man dusted himself off and told them.

"I'm Colonel Roy Mustang, of the State Military."

"Uhh… not only are you at the wrong funeral, you're on the wrong show." Manta informed.

"Oh, my bad. Uhh, can I use your restroom; I have to do a number two really bad."

"It's back there, on your left." sighed Anna, pointing him to the restroom.

"You know what, you people have made this my worst funeral ever." snarled Horo.

"I wish this was his only one." said Ren.

"I heard that. See you people don't care about me. To you guys I'm just some dumbass Ainu who only knows how to eat and snowboard."

"It's like he read my mind." smirked Ren, which had everyone in the room laughing. Except Horo who rambled on.

"See that's my point. If I really died you guys would probably throw my body in the woods and let the wolves eat me."

"That was the plan." said Ren. The remark had everyone laughing even harder, but took Horo to his boiling point.

"That's it. You guys can go to hell."

"You know what that's it, Horo. You've been acting like a jerk all day. I don't know what happened to you but you're acting like something crawled up your ass. I don't think you deserve to have a nice, respectful funeral." Yoh said sternly to Horo.

"I agree with Yoh you have been acting like a jerk." said Manta

"You know what I don't know why I'm wasting my time here." Anna said as she was getting up to leave. Soon everyone started leaving Horo alone in the casket.

"Wait you guys. I'm sorry. This time I'll act dead and say nothing. Guys I'm sorry. Not you too, Pilika." Pleaded Horo, trying to bring his friends back, especially his sister. She turned around to tell him.

"Sorry brother, I agree with them."

Now Horo was feeling stupid. He sat there head down looking at the casket.

"Hey! You know what part of this funeral even Horo would like. The reception."

The gang cheered as they went in the kitchen and started eating. Even Roy Mustang was in the kitchen, stuffing his face. But Horo felt too stupid to eat as he got out of the casket and walked of the inn, looking back at his friends eating and enjoying themselves.

First off I want to say I'm sorry to all the Horo lovers out there. Yeah, his behavior was probably more suited for Ren than Horo, but I promise Horo will be back to his normal self next chapter. But I'll only update if I get five reviews for this story and five more for my first story "To Pee or not to Pee".


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Shaman King, FullMetal Alchemist, the Jordan brand of shoes, or anything else that's licensed in this story.

First off I want to thank the following reviewers from the last chapter:

Stargirlwashu

Spikytriangles

SaturnMax

Tochigo

Luciado

Jen-Tao07

And cutie1789

Yes Luciado, I did get the idea of the mock funeral from Futurama. And Jen-Tao07, you never did review the alternate chapter. Now, on to the story.

As the night went by at the Funbari Onsen, Horo twisted and turned in his sleep, trying to think about how his friends would treat him after the funeral incident.

(Dream Sequence)

It was a dreary day at a cemetary. The sky was gray and seemed like it was going to rain at any minute. A burial was about to happen. The body that was about to be laid to rest: Horokeu Usui. His so called friends were there as they said their final goodbyes. Speaking was Yoh Asakura with a gold sash and crown saying "Shaman King".

"As I look back on his life, good memories come to me. But then I think of that fake funeral we had a while back, and it pisses me off. And he never really did anything other than eat and snowboard. So that's all I have to say.

Looking at his friends at the funeral they all seemed to have done something with their lives. Yoh was Shaman King, and a successful music producer and Anna turned the inn into a multi-billion dollar empire.

Chocolove became the president of Comedy Central, Ren and Jun became the richest people in the world, Manta became a dean at Harvard, Faust cured AIDS, cancer and became a Nobel prize winner, Ryu became an action movie star, known for his bokuto movies, Tamao became a world famous model, and his own sister,Pilika got married to Ren. As Yoh had said Horo really didn't do anything but eat and snowboard. As soon as Yoh's eulogy ended, he opened the floor for anybody who had anything to say.

"Anybody have anything to say? Chocolove?

"Nope"

"Tamao?"

"No"

"Ryu?"

"Nope"

"Jun?"

"No"

"Anna?"

"No"

"Faust?"

"No"

"Ren?"

"Fuck no"

"Pilika?"

"No"

"Alright then dump the body." A large dump truck soon backed up with Horo's body. The truck dumped his body into the grave, leaving his legs exposed. Everybody soon left except Ren who stayed, unzipped his pants and pissed all over the grave. A cat walked by, saw Horo's legs sticking out and said "What a waste." Then a dog comes and starts eating on his legs.

"Uhh, I still have to take a shit," said Roy Mustang, rubbing his stomach.

"AHHHHHH" Horo screamed as he woke up, huffing and puffing. Horo realized he had to do something to gain the respect of his friends back.

He next day, as the gang was watching TV on Ren's new 52-inch plasma screen.

"Oh, I wonder if dress is making boys horny right now." said Jun referring to the remark Horo made at the funeral.

"Oh, I bet me and Eliza are getting to lovie-dovie for you."

"Yeah, and I bet my jokes are too corny for you."

"Chocolove, your jokes are too corny for all of us." Ryu replied. The group nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, I deserved all that. The other day I acted like an idiot, a jackass, and a jerk. I want to ask you guys for forgiveness for the other day." Horo pleaded to the guys.

"You always act like an idiot and a jackass, being a jerk is what you should be asking forgiveness for." Ren said

"Horo, the other day you hurt many peoples feelings the other day, including mine. It's not going to be that easy to get forgiveness," said Pilika.

"I know that's why---wait a minute what is he still doing here?" asked Horo as he was pointing at Roy Mustang. He wasn't wearing that military suit he normally wears. Instead he wore sort of a hip-hop style, a long white t-shirt that went passed his elbows and his crotch, large, baggy, Sean John dark blue jeans that hung of his ass and crumpled at his ankles, and a pair of $175 dollar Air Jordan 20's($190 something including tax, about how much I paid for mine) and a black New Era Yankees cap. (The outfit I had on as I typed this.) Anna quickly looked over and asked Roy, "What are you still doing here."

Soon everyone looked over at Roy, waiting for his answer. Roy replied, "Me and my ride back home, Riza, got into an argument. She called me an idiot, I called her a bitch, she started shooting at me with an AK-47, and now I'm stuck here. Can I stay here for a minute?" Anna thought about for a moment and told him "Yes, you may. But you're going to have to do a lot, and I mean a lot of work. As a matter of fact get started cleaning the gutters."

"What! Why am I listening to you little girl, I'm a grown ass man."

"Because if you don't, I will make you suffer and that's a promise." Anna said, giving Roy her infamous, cold eyes look. Roy however played her off and said, "Whatever. I wonder what the guys are doing without me?"

(In the FMA world)

"What happened to Col. Mustang, I thought you were supposed to pick him up," Havoc asked Hawkeye.

"Somehow, I missed him," said Hawkeye

"You drove right past him."

"I missed him in front of a little Japanese inn." Hawkeye replied as she loaded up her favorite gun. Her fellow officers around her backed up in fear.

"You tried to kill Col.Mustang?" asked Fury.

(back to the Shaman King world)

"Listen, you're either going to do chores to earn your keep, or pay Me." said Anna

"Fine, here's three thousand dollars, leave me alone." said Roy as he pulled out a big wad of money and handed it to Anna. Anna stood there surprised as she counted the money. It was all there, all three thousand of it. All Anna could say was

"Uhh okay. I guess you're excused then."

"As I was saying, I know it isn't going to be easy to get your forgiveness, so I came up with a way that you guys should like. I am going to do whatever you want to do. Anything."

Jaws dropped in disbelief, but it was more over Roy paying Anna off.

"What! All I had to do get out of doing work was to pay you." Ren screamed. "I could have done that months ago."

"Hey people, I said, I would do anything you guys want." said Horo.

"Enough of that crap, Boro Boro, we have bigger fish to fry." Ren said.

"You would really do any thing we want?" asked Yoh.

"Seriously. I would do anything you guys want. Here's the catch."

"Damn, I was hoping he wasn't smart enough to think of any catches." Said Ren.

"The catch is I'll only do it for thirty minutes, its only for people who were a the funeral. Sorry Lyserg.

"Awww." moaned Lyserg.

"Where the fuck did you come from?" Ren asked Lyserg.

"Don't you dare talk to my dear Lyserg like that," Said Ryu.

"I really don't know. I was sleeping at my house and some how I woke up on you guys lawn."

"Okay. Now that's weird," said Manta.

"Oh, yeah no spirits."

"Awww." moaned the spirits.

"What. Only thirty minutes. What the hell is that? I was expecting a lifetime. What good are you for only thirty minutes." exclaimed Ren.

"Well for one thing you canmake a fool out of me."

The group thought about it for a moment. Thirty minutes wasn't a long time, but you could make him do some good things. So the group agreed to Horo's terms.

The next day, Horo came in to the room with a bowl of names on little pieces of paper. Whichever one he drew out would get the first thirty minutes. He reached in the bowl and drew his first name: Ryu.

"What do you want me to do?" asked Horo.

"I want you to go to the hotel where the Lily 5 are staying go into their room, and steal Elly's panties. Oh not just any of them, the pink one's that say Doggie wants a bone in the front." commanded Ryu.

Okay folks I'm done with the second chapter. Please review.

Line of the day: First I'm goin stack my flow, then I'm goin stack some more, close shop when I do my count, hide thres of my yams at my aunties house.- Young Jeezy's "And then what" from the Thug Motivation 101 album


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Same as the preceding chapters

"You want me to do what again," asked Horo

"Sneak into the Lily 5's hotel room, and still Elly's Doggie wants a bone panties," said Ryu.

"Elly? What happened to Milly? I thought she was the one who liked you."

"She does. But she's too young for me. I'm not a molestor. Now go in go get them."

"All that is going to take thirty minutes?"

"Well then waste some time, but I want those panties."

So Horo hopped in the car, and together they drove to the hotel. As they pulled up to the hotel, Ryu gave Horo some encouraging words of advice, "If anyone of them catches you, hit them in their stomachs and run like hell."

"Ryu, are those really words of advice or the obvious."

"It doesn't matter now go!" said Ryu as he gave Horo a paper with the hotel room they were staying in, and kicked him out of the car. Horo nervously swallowed spit as he walked through the doors entering the hotel, thinking to himself, "What have I gotten myself into." A man at the counter asks Horo, "May I help you?" with Horo answering back no as he took out the piece of paper with the hotel room: Room 312. As he got on the elevator, he started thinking about how he was going to do this. Ding: the sound of the bell as it hit the third floor. Horo slowly walked out of the elevator, looking down the hall. There it was: Room 312. Just as Horo started creep down the hallway, the four of the Lily 5, Sharona, Lilly, Sally, and Millie were walking down the hall in their swimsuits going to the, well pool. Just before they walked by, Horo hid on the side of a corner wall.

"Are you sure, Elly has her key?" Millie asked Sally.

"Well she should have her damn key. Even if she doesn't, she's probably in some boy's room doing what she does best, getting nailed," answered Sally.

"Sally! That's nothing you should say around kids." Sharona sternly told Sally, trying to protect Millie's young, innocent, mind.

"I left the note on the door, telling Elly where we are in case she doesn't have her key." said Lilly.

"Good." Sharona answered.

Horo slipped towards the Lily's hotel room without being noticed. Horo kept sneaking until he reached room 312. He took the piece of paper, which concealed a master key, and unlocked the door. He crept in the room slowly, trying to make as little noise as he could. He looked around to see if anyone was in the room. After seeing nobody was in the room he started looking for his target: the Doggie wants a bone panties. He turns the lights on and starts looking around the room. On one side of the room was their suitcases, all left open. Horo creeps over to the suitcases and starts looking through them. In one suitcase, there were dresses, fancy French perfumes, and money, about a thousand dollars worth. "This must be Sharona's as he took some money out of the suitcase and stuffed it in his pocket. He looked in another suitcase; it had guns, brass knuckles, workout magazines and weirdly a Teletubbies coloring book. "Uhh… this must be Sally's though I don't know about the coloring book." Another suitcase had designer clothes, skirts, thongs, a heart shaped handcuffs, a box of condoms, and there it was: the doggie wants a bone panties. Horo eagerly took the panties and put them in his coat pocket. But now what? It took him about four minutes to get in the hotel and he spent about five minutes in their room. In about twenty more minutes he would be free from Ryu's clutches. But what was he going to do between the time. He could watch TV. Horo flopped down on the couch and turned the TV on.

Fourteen minutes later, Horo heard a knock on the door.

"Hello is anyone in there?" asked Elly, knocking on the door.

"Please don't have her key, please don't have her key." hoped Horo.

Unfortunately for him, she did have her key. As she unlocked and opened the door, Horo quickly rolled under the bed. The door swung open and Elly asked again, "Is anyone here?" After getting no response, Elly told a man outside the door to come in.

The man, who appeared to be a bellhop, walked into the hotel room, telling Elly, "I only have twenty minutes to do this. My boss will kill me if I came back late." Elly, not feeling too reluctant, told him, "Fine. I'll just make this the best twenty minutes you'll ever have," as they laid on the bed and started kissing. Elly started to unbutton his shirt and pants before the bellhop broke in, "I don't feel too comfortable going any further without putting on a condom." Elly moaned "Fine. I got some under the bed," as she began to reach under the bed. Horo got nervous as he saw her, "I'm about to get caught."

He quickly saw the package of condoms, and handed it to her. The bellhop, unfortunately, saw Horo's hand giving her the condoms.

"Did I just see a hand under your bed?"

Elly and the bellhop both got up and looked under the bed. Horo quickly rolled back from under the bed and jumped on it. When Elly and the bellhop looked under the bed and they saw no one, Elly went over to her suitcase, pulled out her shaped handcuffs and handcuffed the bellhop to the bed. Horo hurried and rolled back under the bed.

"OOH, I like where this is going," said the bellhop as he started to kiss Elly again.

Horo realized this was his chance. They were to busy making out to realize anything around them. Horo slowly crept from under the bed, and started to make his way to the door. He was almost there only a few feet from the door and he still didn't get caught. He was basically at the doorknob until:

"SQUEAK!"

He stepped on a rubber duck. Elly and the bellhop quickly looked up.

"Horo, like what are you doing in here?" questioned Elly.

"I uhh… work here," answered Horo.

"If you do, how come you're not in uniform?" asked the bellhop.

"Uhh, I haven't started my shift yet."

"Aww, oka-, wait a minute are those my panties?" said Elly pointing to Horo's coat pocket, which had the panties hanging partially out.

Without hesitation, Horo quickly ran out the room with Elly after him.

"I am like going to so kill you pervert," said Elly

For some reason the hotel started playing Indiana Jones music, as Horo was being chased by Elly. He ran to an elevator, only to find out it wasn't working. As fast as he could, he ran down the stairs. Elly was almost about to catch him until she tripped over a step, and started rolling down the steps. Horo picked up the speed to try to avoid being rolled over by her. He reached the lobby floor, with Elly still in tow. As she was chasing after him, she saw her other teammates by the swimming pool.

"Stop him! He stole my panties." yelled out Elly to her teammates.

"Oh some body's always stealing your panties," yelled back Sally.

Back at the hotel room the bellhop was still handcuffed.

"Can some body help me? Aww I'm never going to lose my virginity," said the bellhop.

Back to the chase, Horo was almost out of the hotel, but Elly was sill on his tail. With one strong leap, Horo jumped through the automatic doors before they closed. He quickly jumped in Ryu's car and was gone while Elly shouted stuff out stuff like the native from Indiana Jones.

"So does she look good?" asked Roy

"Oh yeah she looks hot as hell," answered Horo.

"Does she wear miniskirts?

"Fuck yeah. She wears this black one that wraps her hips."

"Oh yeah, just the way I like. Ulike this one bitch back home. What hotel is she staying at?"

"The Funbari Hotel downtown on fourth street."

"And the hotel room is 312?"

"Yeah,"

"Okay, I'm going downtown to get something,"

"All right,"

So Roy hopped in a rented Mercedes-Benz CL and went to the Lily 5's hotel room.

"Where is he going?" asked Chocolove.

"He's going downtown."

"Are you going to have a drawing today?"

"Yeah. Where are the others?

"Anna and Manta's at the store, Yoh and Ren went to go run some laps."

When Anna and Manta came home from the store, they saw Roy and Elly making out on the floor. She wasn't looking too pleased.

"Un Un. No way. You're not going to do that on my floor. I lay there and watch TV," said Anna.

"What we haven't did anything yet," said Roy.

"I don't care. Do that somewhere else."

Soon Yoh and Ren finished laps, and was about to go home, but something was going on in Roy's rental car. The car's windows was fogged and the car kept rocking. Chocolove, who was out there the whole time, sat there watching the whole thing.

"Who's in there?" asked Yoh.

"Elly and that Mustang guy," answered Chocolove

"EWWWW!" screamed out the boys.

Back at the Lily 5's hotel room, Sharona was asking Millie had she seen Elly.

"Yeah a man came by, with little eyes picked her up and she took a little box of balloons, that had Trojan on it with her," said Millie.

"Uhh… Millie those aren't balloons those are condoms," informed Lilly

"What's a condom?"

Sally leaned over and whispered in her ear. (I'm not giving you the details of what she whispered, you can just imagine.) Millie disgusted with what she just heard said, "YEWW! I blew up balloon animals with those."

Back at the Inn

"Hey guys. I'm about to do my drawing."

As soon as everyone gathered in the room, Horo reached in to draw the next name out the bowl.

"And the next person is……."

Hah My first cliffhanger. Sorry folks, I got tired of typing. I'm going down to Atlanta, Georgia, so hope I go down there and come back up in one piece. Please review.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: The same as preceding chapters

Okay folks. It's been an up and down past few weeks. The Sunday before last, I came back home from Atlanta, only to find out a friend of mine has been murdered. I started my senior year last weekend have been getting ready for the NFL season. (Go Chiefs)

And then the hurricane struck the Gulf coast, and flooded New Orleans. School started on the 29th and this past Labor Day weekend, I went to Dallas. Yeah a lot of stuff has happened these past few weeks.

But the real reasons I haven't updated, is because one: I didn't really like the last chapter and two: I don't have any ideas. So if you can help me think of some, that would be cool. And while you're at it can give some ideas for my next Fullmetal Alchemist fanfic: Wildin'out : FMA edition. Thanks and peace.


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